I always feared my “shadow side”. It drew up demonic images that resided within, and if you awakened her, she would be uncontrollable. My fear was I wouldn’t be able to come back from this. What if doing shadow work takes me under and overpowers me? Is there a murderer lurking beneath the surface? Or maybe I go crazy and abandoned everything I have worked so hard for? I have spent so long working on myself and getting to this mental space. I have kept positive, kept light, sacrificed, transformed, healed, and tucked away the parts of me that were less than desirable! So why would I want to release this box of darkness that may pull me into her current? What I found was the complete opposite.
When the total lunar eclipse came at dawn, the sun peeked over the earth, kissing the moon, I was in ritual calling out to the universe. The energy was potent. My candles pulsing to match my heartbeat. My bones and blood in rhythm with both the solar and lunar frequency. I felt completely invigorated, even with not being a morning person in the least degree, I was on fire. The day went on and that evening I stood under the moon beams once more and asked to be shown what I need to work on within myself. I quickly retracted this request fearful of what could come up, but the cosmos answered anyway.
Within 20 minutes I was dissolved into a puddle of self reflection and regret. Lunar eclipses are notorious for bring up our shadows, I just thought my shadow was much lighter. I sat on the shower floor letting the water wash away the tears, stuck in a mental loop of all my relationships, and how I’ve been treating the people I’m closest with. The unseen resentment that comes out at the most unsuspecting times. A reservoir of bitterness stored deep within me, bubbling over. I realized there was an amour I created to protect myself from all the past pain I thought I had healed from. I saw that I really hadn’t done any work, just built walls to help this version of self function. This was the shadow. A part of me I didn’t realize was in existence, but everyone else could see this aspect of me crystal clear.
After my purge I felt freer, lighter. Yet, I am still so weary of my shadow. What is it? What is this reference? If this is shadow work, I don’t want any part of it. I decided I would seriously study my thoughts before I cast them onto the moon. It was after all, such a minor thought, much smaller than the spell I preformed that morning.
A few days go by and the darkness began to creep in on me once again. Heavy, dark, somber suppression coming forth and swallowing me whole. I put on a smile on because I am a mother, a wife, a business owner, a reader. Silently, I am suffering. This feels like I am reliving the grimmest moments of postpartum depression all over. Inescapable. In my profession I dont let my problems come forward; I bury them deeper to help heal my clients. What this has done is grant me a time of Tower Energy. Everything around me begins to collapse and the fabric of my reality frays at the seams. I become consumed with uncontrollable realizations. The question keeps appearing to me in different forms. My guides come through with a message of the dark of February is draping over all humanity and awakening the shadows. In order to raise the frequency of the plant, the darkness needs to be healed. They give me visions of all the light workers being faced with the darkest parts of self. Someone tells me the” brightest light cast the darkest shadows, so buckle up”. Suppressed memories begin to surface from my subconscious. They are so foggy. Am I making this up? I’ve had this thought before but buried it deeper than before. The remembrance begin to take over my normal brain functions. Details I forgot come forward piecing the story together.
Something had to give. I took the Virgo full moon to do a healing ceremony to help let go of things I knew needed to be healed. I am not big on release spells on the full moon, but that nurturing earthy energy called out to me, giving me a safe space to surrender. I saw the things I placed on myself like trophies that I think make me who I am. It was difficult admitting my flaws because there were some things I continuously work on disposing. The ego. I have wrestled with this aspect for years, chipping away little by little what doesn’t improve my spirit. There I sat, nude in front of the flame disintegrating this deep heaviness was lifted from me. The smoke carried away the soot of my soul, opening my crown and solar plexus chakra. I climbed into the steaming Purification bath, the edges lined with crystals, incense billowing from the small cauldron, ready to wash away years of baggage. There was still depth to wounds I was releasing. I ask for complete clarity and resolution on all the repressions in my shadow self. then apprears a large rod penetration left shoulder, puncturing each organ, reaching all the way down through my left foot. I witnessed a deity come into the space and pull this massive energetic beam, then another deity enters to aid in this removal. They are successful and I see them pull this root out of me. This takes a long time. This root is connected down into past lives possibly, as it seems to go straight through this dimension. Finally there is success and closure, they replaced the void with understanding and love. I am feeling completely renewed and freed of the things I’ve asked to release. The cloud of weariness had been cleared from my mental space. (Ritual at bottom).
Since the spell, memories still came into view on a regular basis. I had some burning questions that needed to be answered but had no clue on how to untap this foggy flashback. Even more details come into frame. I remember conversations, car rides, pain and even the doctor visit revolving this situation when I was 5 years old. I decided hypnotherapy would be the simplest way to unlock the truth. The hypnotherapist I choose to do the work, Ive known for many years and her spirit is made of pure light. I have a deep trust for her, I felt getting into this space would be easy with her as my guide. Our focus was to get in contact with my shadows to see if there is something I need to know about these torturous memories. Clarity is coming!
She takes me down deep into a trance. I try swinging my arms but can’t. I try screaming but nothing is released. She led me to place where I could meet my shadow self. I was nervous to see the worst side of me. Still unsure of what exactly the shadow side entailed, I was ready to meet a beast of terror and hate. I was in a beautiful room, decorated in gloomy shades, crystals, black velvet chairs and fresh herbs. As my therapist is prepping me to meet my shadow side, I hear a knock at the door and timidly opened it. I was greeted with was a darker, smoky version of myself. She has dark brunette hair, wears heavy eyeliner, tight plaid clothes, combat boots, was younger by at least a decade and was super-hot! She pushed herself through the door past me, barley, and made herself at home by curling up in a black velvet chair while lighting a cigarette. She wouldn’t even say hello… in fact her first words to me were “Where’s the whiskey?” I don’t even drink whiskey, but I allotted her request, ice cubes and all. I sit there and admire her. She is such a brat, and for some reason I want her to like me, I feel like her mother. The therapist continues to lead me into interactions with her, not knowing we are already getting well acquainted. “Ask her what you want to know Jordyn…” I look at her “Was I…. molested?” Without hesitation, whiskey in hand, while moving a chunk of ice into her left check so she can speak, staring through me like it is an insane question “OF COURSE YOU WERE. What kind of question is that?!” As she shrugs her shoulders and begins to puff again on her camel menthol. I sit there in shock. That simple? This heartless. Doesn’t she know I’ve been battling with this? The Within minutes the session ends, and I come back into my body, and can move my arms once again. Much more happened, more work was done… but it is all so blurry and I got the answer I needed. I am not making it all up!!
Later that night, I was plagued with anxiety. Everything throughout the session was so much, I couldn’t process it just yet. See, I never allow myself to be vulnerable. Not even the people I am closest with, but this is changing now. I talked with my husband about the session as he drifted off into his slumber. I came face to face with more details of being misused. It was too much. I got out of bed I walked into the bathroom and sat on the cold toilet in shock. How could all of this had been hidden within my own mind for so long? I told the shadow side of me to come forward, and what I was met with was something completely different. It was a child. It was me, as a child, who had been taken advantage of and didn’t know how to act or what to think. It was my inner innocent self, and I had to let her know it was okay to purge. It was okay to cry and grieve. It was okay to release all the emotion that I have been holding onto for 23 years. I let her out to heal. I held her as she balled, decompressing all the confused sorrow, and cleansing the depths of her being. I had to let her know, me, as an adult, was okay. I WAS okay. I had to accept this was my reality. It felt dark and dingy. Fighting through the tears I took a breathe like a newborn and took this as mine, and realeasing the same breathe released hate, burden and guilt. The fear crept in again, so I take a photo of my face and I look younger. It was truly bizarre. I realized that this is the shadow side.
Through this uncomfortable process, I have learned what the shadow side is, and what the shadow side isn’t. My perspective has completely shifted. It is diffrent for all of us, and comes in may forms depending on the aspect and degree of the shadow. The more I connect with my shadow, the more I see her as just weak within me. The broken child, the fearful teen, the battered ex-girlfriend, the judgmental, the hopeless, the grieving mother, the voiceless the anger that still exists, the rejected, the embarrassed, the failed, the reason behind the resentment, the idol covering the bitter. She is just the collection of repressed memories and coping mechanisms I have built as shield of skepticism, trust issues and sexual numbness. Now I see that I have left her in the dark! It needs to be illuminated because she is me, and I am her. To be the best version of self, we must heal our shadow, our darkness. We need to acknowledge what happened in the past, accept it, heal and thrive from it. Growing pains are extremely difficult, I won’t sugar coat it, but it is work that needs be done so we can operate in our highest truth. We are just like mother moon, there is a light and darkness to us, and all of these cycles are crucial. The key is balance between the shadow and light that lies within, when we co-exist with every facet of our being you are your most authentic self. There will always be issues that arise, it is work that will never end! This may sound scary, but this is the human experience we signed up for.
Shadow Work Release Spell:
Do this spell in a Bathroom
(Full moon- Waning moon in Virgo)
You will need:
One black candle/ One White Candle
Purification Oil Potion/ Protection Oil Potion
Power incense/ A charcoal
A Black sheet of paper, cut into 5 sections
A small cauldron
A bath with Purification Bath brew
*Set up your bathroom with everything in arm’s length and make it feel/look like a healing environment.
*First, I got completely nude.
*Fill the bath tub with hot or warm water. Cast for protection and ask your guides to come protect the space and help with the work. As I did this I smudged the entire area (bathroom and self).
*Dress the candles (white with Protection Oil Potion/black with Purification Oil Potion). I sprinkled the power incense onto the white candle and some blessed mugwort and rosemary onto the black candle.
* Set the charcoal on fire and then began to put the power incense on it to raise the vibration of the area. Frankincense resin would also be a good choice.
* Light the candles.
*Get into a clear head space through a few minutes of meditation of candle scrying.
* Take your black paper and write onto the first piece of what you want to dissolve within yourself. Sit and feel this issue going into the paper. You can talk into the paper or blow this out into the paper as well. Hold onto the black tourmaline as you do this step. Then when you feel ready, put a little more Power incense on the charcoal in the cauldron, and light the paper on fire from the black candle and put it in the cauldron. See the thing you ask to rid your self of turning to smoke and floating away. This no longer belongs to you. Repeat 5 times with different issues you wish to resolve.
*Now sprinkle the tub with the Purification Bath Brew. (This was my method, you can use any bath salt you would like). Get in the tub and imagine it is white healing light. All those things you had at the beginning no longer exist, and the brew is cleansing your aura.
*Get into the bath.
* At this point I saw the deities I was working with pulling something out of my energetic field, you can ask your guides to take away anything that doesn’t serve your highest self. It took them a while. They repaired the area with light. Everyone’s experience will be different. I went into a visualization on my body letting all the darkness and shadows fall to the bottom of the bath and down from the cosmos pure love come in through my crown chakra and filled me up.
*By the end of this spell, I felt the water was truly to energetically dirty to bath in. I drained the water and hopped in the shower and used the Purification soap to give me that extra layer of protection and rinse off anything that may have clung on. I closed out the circle and cleaned up.
*Rinse out the black tourmaline in water to let the energy fall out.
*Take the cauldron outside and let the ashes blow away. This no longer belongs to you anymore.
** I felt so refreshed and clear after this ritual! I will defiantly be using this again in the future.
**The lunar eclipse referred to was on January 31, 2018. Also a blue blood moon.
**The darkness they refer to was the dark month February 2018; There was no full moon, and sandwiched in between a lunar and solar eclipse in a two week span.